Her Rebel Heart Read online

  No-brainer. Obviously.

  He crossed the room to squat by Kaci’s side.

  She squeezed her eyes shut. A tear slipped down her cheek.

  That little drop of moisture seared his soul.

  She couldn’t sass her way through this. Couldn’t use her bullheaded stubbornness to stop it. Couldn’t even devise a physics theory that would make it make sense.

  He brushed a hand over her ponytail and pressed a kiss to her temple.

  Her whole body shuddered.

  The cat didn’t seem to notice. It lay there in her arms, wrapped in a towel, eyes closed, head lolling like a rag doll with every rock of Kaci’s body.

  And Lance didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to fix this.

  He wanted to.

  Because he didn’t like feeling powerless?

  Or because he wanted to fix it for Kaci?

  “Please leave,” she whispered.

  His chest ached and his throat was thick. “Having a heart doesn’t make you weak, Kace,” he whispered.

  Her lips trembled. “I need to be alone.”

  Tara tilted her head toward the door. Her eyes were wet too, but the rest of her seemed to dare him to comment on it. “Been here longer than you have, Captain Studmuffin,” she said. “We’ll call if we need you.”

  They wouldn’t call.

  Kaci didn’t need him.

  But it would’ve been damn nice if she wanted him.

  And wanting her to want him was the last thing he needed. This was supposed to be casual. A distraction. He was wheels-up on his way to the Middle East in five days.

  Kaci was right.

  They should’ve just said their goodbyes last week and been done with it.

  He squeezed her arm. “She was lucky to have you,” he said.

  And he showed himself out the door.

  * * *

  She was gone.

  Miss Higgs was gone.

  Despite what she’d told Lance, Miss Higgs had been gone for near on ten minutes, but Kaci still couldn’t let go.

  The door clicked shut behind Lance, and the floodgates opened. It started as a trickle of tears, and soon she was full-out sobbing.

  Miss Higgs had given her last purr to the world.

  One day Tara would get a real job and move out and probably find a new man who adored her. Her students would graduate and be replaced with more students with the same problems. Her momma was bound to give up in complete frustration one of these days.

  And Kaci would be completely alone.

  Tara squeezed into the chair with her and wrapped both Kaci and Miss Higgs’s body into a warm squishy hug. “I’ll go get him back,” Tara said, her voice thick with tears too.

  “Don’t leave me,” Kaci choked out.

  Tara hugged her harder.

  “Ever,” Kaci added.

  “Aw, Kaci…” Tara touched gentle fingers to Miss Higgs’s head. “Honey, I don’t think—”

  “I know.” Her kitty was gone. Her constant companion through the ups and downs of the past eighteen years. “I just need another minute.”

  Or another eighteen years.

  Who else would curl up with her every night for eighteen years? Who else would be waiting by the door when she got home every night? Who else would ever keep as many secrets?

  Her gaze drifted to the door.

  Lance wouldn’t.

  No matter how much she wanted him to.

  Tara put her head to Kaci’s shoulder and sighed. “Wish I could blame just the grief for you wishing he was still here.”

  Kaci wiped her tears on her sleeve. “Hush or I’ll send you away too.”

  “No, you won’t.”

  She was right. Kaci would’ve tied her to a chair before she let her leave. “Why is it the one I don’t want can’t leave me alone, and the one I want is willing to give me space?”

  “Because men are idiots.”

  Men weren’t the only ones. “No comment on the one I want?”

  “He seems like a great guy,” Tara conceded. “And I’ll save my buts for tomorrow.”

  Kaci pulled Miss Higgs to her chest one last time.

  “You know,” Tara said softly, “she’d want you to go to Germany.”

  She swallowed another lump in her throat. “I know,” she whispered.

  * * *

  The thing about not officially dating a stubborn, take-care-of-herself woman was that it felt wrong to leave, but also too close to a real relationship to stay.

  Getting serious with a woman wasn’t something Lance needed. Though Kaci was into a lot of the same things he hadn’t even realized he’d missed while he’d been with Allison, he wanted the freedom of not being tied up with pleasing someone else.

  Not long-term.

  But her cat was dying. And he had a heart. He would’ve felt bad for anyone saying goodbye to a beloved pet.

  Especially Kaci.

  Had to be killing her to hurt bad enough that she let it show. And it had to be killing her that anyone saw her suffering.

  The lady didn’t like to look weak.

  When he got home, he dragged his tent and a sleeping bag into the backyard.

  He could see the stars just as well from here, he reasoned. Didn’t have to add an hour or two on the road to enjoy it.

  The fact that he’d be close by if Kaci happened to need—want—him had nothing to do with it.

  She was a big girl. She could take care of herself.

  Juice Box stepped out onto the patio near the pool. “Thought you were camping.”

  “Thought you had a date.”

  Juicy dangled a beer can and flashed a cocky grin. “Night’s young. She’ll be here.”

  “Nikki again?”

  “Yeah, but I’m running out of Nikkis to date. Might have to learn another name soon.”

  “Don’t have to try so hard,” Lance said. “Nothing wrong with settling when you’ve found the right one.”

  Juice Box tossed himself into a plastic lawn chair while Lance set up his tent. “Who’s looking for the right one? I’m just having fun.”

  Couldn’t fault the kid. Lance had said the same thing when he’d been fresh out of pilot training too. “Are you?”

  “Am I what?”

  “Having fun.”

  “Fuck yeah.”

  “Glad to hear it.”

  Maybe Juicy was having the time of his life.

  But when Lance had been all over the party scene, it had always felt…flat.

  He’d never quite fit in. Not as well as Cheri had. They’d been together for joint undergrad pilot training in Oklahoma, but then Cheri had left for fighter training in Texas while Lance had been sent here to Gellings. So when he’d gotten to his first real squadron and met Allison, who preferred Friday night movies at home, baked cookies for fun, and could make conversation with everyone from a guy like Juice Box to a wall, he’d seen the answer to all of his needs.

  A woman who didn’t like to party but could fix up a meal to feed an army and engage everyone from freshly enlisted eighteen-year-olds to four-star generals. In short, the perfect officer’s wife.

  The antithesis of Kaci, that was for sure.

  Except Kaci had something Allison never had.

  She had Lance’s full, undivided attention. Even when he’d been on the flight deck this past week, she’d been in the back of his mind.

  He’d always been able to shut Allison out and just do his job.

  But tonight, he couldn’t get the image of Kaci’s grief out of his mind.

  Once the tent was up, he hauled his old charcoal grill from the garage, pulled the legs off, and tossed in his spare firewood.

  “Got marshmallows?” Juice Box asked.

  “In the truck.”

  They roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. Juicy’s date—the same Nikki, obviously—showed up after a while, and the two of them took off. “Be safe,” Lance called after them.

  “Yes, Dad,” Juicy shot back with an
amused grin.

  Kaci didn’t text.

  Or call.

  Or email.

  Lance had been at field training the summer between his sophomore and junior years of college when his family dog died. Sunflower had only been nine years old. They’d thought she’d live another four, five, six years, but she’d been hit by a car. He’d told himself men didn’t cry over dogs. Plus, Cheri hadn’t cried. Hell if he would.

  But he’d missed that dog. And he’d spent more hours than he could count wondering if she’d been scared. If she’d felt any pain. If he could’ve saved her if he’d been there.

  He poked at a log in the fire.

  Kaci’s cat was ancient. She’d had a good life, and she’d obviously been loved.

  But goodbyes sucked.

  And Lance had a feeling he had a goodbye of his own coming soon.

  As fun as Kaci had been, he was deploying soon. He had to put his job first.

  Period.

  Maybe not tonight—he wasn’t cruel—but soon, he had to leave.

  * * *

  Kaci pulled her Jeep to a stop in front of Lance’s house shortly after nine. She tightened her sloppy ponytail, wiped her face with a spare makeup removal cloth she found in her purse, and refused to look at the towel in the passenger seat.

  Wood smoke drifted through the crisp night. She wrapped her knit cardigan tighter around herself. When no one answered her knock at the door, she followed the campfire smell into the backyard.

  She hadn’t been back here yet, but she wasn’t surprised to find a big lawn and an inground pool. The yard fit both the neighborhood and what she would’ve expected Lance to want to give his former fiancée.

  He was stretched out on a sleeping bag next to a dwindling fire pit. When the privacy fence gate clinked shut behind her, he sat up.

  She couldn’t read his expression in the dark. He lifted his arm, an open invitation for a hug. The empty hole in her chest pulsed.

  “The vet has her body.” She curled up next to him and swiped at her eyes. “Said I can pick up her ashes on Thursday.”

  He wrapped her tight, warm and solid and dependable, and pressed a lingering kiss to her hair. His capable hands stroked her back, and she had to fight against another wave of tears.

  She wouldn’t even let her momma know she’d cried for Miss Higgs, but she trusted Lance.

  She’d trust Lance with her life.

  She had, in fact. “Can I ask a huge favor?” she whispered.

  “Of course.”

  “I mean really huge. Like I-don’t-have-the-right-to-ask, bigger-than-anything-I’ve-ever-asked-another-human-soul-before, even-bigger-than-the-bows-my-momma-put-on-my-pageant-dresses huge.”

  “If I say yes, do I get to see pictures of those pageant dresses?”

  If she wasn’t so terrified he’d say no, she might appreciate the teasing. As it was, the very act of gathering enough courage to ask, of opening up to him even more tonight, was suffocating her. “Will you go to Germany with me?”

  His surprised jerk away didn’t surprise her.

  But it didn’t give her any confidence he’d say yes either.

  “I’ll pay for your ticket, and I’ll buy your meals and everything,” she rushed on. “I know it’s asking a lot, for you to take a week of leave to go to Germany, but I can’t—I don’t—I can’t get on that plane. I can’t. Except I think I can if you’re with me. I trust you. I know you can get me there. And I need to go. I have to go.”

  “Kaci—”

  No. No, that was the I’m going to say no voice. “I’m not asking for forever.” Her voice caught, and she hated herself for it. Because forever with Lance—no, she couldn’t go there tonight too. “I’m just asking for this one little thing. Which I know is a big thing. Because I—I need you. I don’t need anybody, but I need you. I need you to come with me.”

  He raked a hand over his hair and blew out a breath. “You don’t need me to go.”

  She did.

  Hypnosis wouldn’t get her on that plane. Antianxiety meds wouldn’t get her on that plane. But Lance—the idea of him sitting beside her, holding her hand, promising she’d be okay—he was what she needed to fly. “I do. I need you. I can’t get on that plane if you’re not there with me. You—you fix things. You fix me. Nobody else. Just you.”

  He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Kaci, I’m deploying in five days.”

  Her whole world crystallized into a fragile sphere dangling at the edge of a cliff. “You’re leaving.”

  “You can do this, Kace. You can get on that plane, and you’re going to be fine.”

  Rocks broke off the cliff and tumbled into the abyss, and her world teetered with them. Her chest squeezed so hard she couldn’t breathe. Her stomach was screwed tight. Her eyes burned. “You’re leaving,” she said again.

  “It’s my job—”

  “You knew.” She pulled back and hugged herself. “You knew you were leaving this whole time.”

  Even in the dark, she could see him shifting into careful with the wounded animal mode.

  That was what she was.

  A wounded, broken animal. Fighting for survival.

  “Never know exact dates until a week or two out, but the rotation’s pretty regular,” he said quietly.

  He’d known.

  And he hadn’t told her.

  Was he ever going to tell her? Or had he simply been planning on leaving?

  Because they weren’t supposed to be here. They weren’t serious. They weren’t committed. They weren’t even dating.

  But she loved him anyway.

  He was everything she didn’t want—a military man, a pilot, emotionally unavailable after being jilted—but he was also everything she needed.

  He believed in her.

  He challenged her.

  He accepted her.

  But his job still came first. As it always would. She’d been something to do between his breakup and his deployment.

  He didn’t love her.

  And why should he?

  She should be all cried out, but she stifled a sob as she scrambled to her feet.

  “Kaci—”

  “Be safe over there,” she choked out.

  He was right on her heels. “Let me drive you home.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not.”

  She jerked her arm out of his grasp. “I. Am. Fine. Go on. Go back to your campfire. Go on your deployment. Go have fun with your buddies. Thank you for everything, Captain Wheeler, but it’s apparently time for both of us to move on. We both got what we wanted, and that’s that.”

  He let her go.

  And that might have been what hurt most of all.

  * * *

  If Kaci’s momma could see her, there would be cucumber slices and Preparation H for her eyes, an emergency hot oil treatment for her hair, and a lecture about not letting anyone see you cry.

  But her momma wasn’t here, and Tara had baked brownies, and Kaci was just done.

  She slammed a box of tissues on the counter beside the fresh brownies and dug into the whole pan with a fork.

  “You know what we need?” she said around a mouthful of chocolate therapy. “We need a club. You and me. An Officers’ Ex-Wives Club.”

  Tara handed over a glass of milk. “Can we make flyers and T-shirts?”

  “Knock yourself out, sugar.”

  But Kaci wasn’t recruiting. She didn’t want new friends.

  Because they’d leave one day too.

  And she didn’t know how she’d survive.

  “Can we make a divorce survival kit too?” Tara said.

  “That the same as a heartbreak survival kit?” Kaci used a tissue, then attacked the brownies again.

  It wasn’t helping.

  “Aw, honey.” Tara pulled her in for a hug. “Want me to go toilet paper his house?”

  She shook her head against Tara’s shoulder.

  “I can turn him into an impotent evil stepfather in my
redneck fairy tales, but honestly, I kinda don’t think they’ll sell well enough to really get any satisfaction out of smearing his name. I really need to get a better day job.”

  “He can’t go to Germany with me,” Kaci whispered.

  “Would it help if I come?”

  “Can you land an airplane if the pilots die and the engines fall off?”

  “No, but I’m good with chocolate, Xanax, and buying overpriced airport water bottles. I’ll even let you read one of the fairy tales I’m working on. You might want the plane to go down to save you before it’s over.”

  “Hush your tongue.” Kaci shivered.

  Tara squeezed harder. “You have important things to do in your lifetime, Kaci. The world needs you. This conference in Germany is just the start. When you’re ninety-eight years old, the world will be a better place because of what you’ve done and because of what you’ve taught your students to do. God won’t let you die on that plane or any other plane. Understand?”

  She didn’t, but she nodded into Tara’s shoulder again anyway.

  She had to get on that plane.

  With or without Lance.

  Tara was right. She had to go to Germany.

  For herself. For her profession. For the world.

  But professional accolades, job satisfaction, and her pride all felt hollow tonight.

  Because for the first time since she’d switched majors at eighteen years old, there was something she cared about more than she cared about physics.

  And he didn’t care back.

  Chapter 19

  After her lecture Monday afternoon, Kaci made a trip to the chemistry building. She’d posted flyers in the student center, in the humanities and mathematics and business studies buildings, and now, she was entering enemy territory.

  Not that she was here to pick a fight, even if a fight might’ve soothed that unsettled, off-kilter part of her soul that had been aching since Friday night.

  Fighting with Ron wouldn’t solve anything. So she stapled her flyer to the bulletin board inside the double glass doors, then turned to go.

  And ran smack into the first man who’d set her on the path to realizing just how much she needed more girlfriends who understood.

  Ron slid a glance at the bulletin board, and the tendon in his neck tightened. “Seriously, Kaci?”